REDEEMED

April 5, 2008. A few hours ago I’m contemplating to write a
blog on anything about what I feel, or what I think. I’ve tried opening a word
document and doodle around. My mind has a lot to offer but I can’t proceed. I
can only give until three sentences and my thoughts will start to swirl around,
until I bumped into Ate Kiana’s blog.

It is exactly 12 months past since the last time I held a
chalk and played it around my fingers. 12 months had past since I rushed on the
grades that I have to submit at the same time my co-teacher was bargaining for
me to pass all her advisees.

I miss every single thing about being in a classroom,
managing your own class; sharing life and ideas; sharing time and life’s
experiences. I miss waking up very early in the morning to prepare for my class
and staying up really late to evaluate my classes. I miss my life that revolves
around textbooks, exams, lesson plan, notebook and all. I miss my life inside
the classroom. I miss those people I have shared my life with.

My eyes are pretty teary. At some point, I thought life was
so unfair. I never choose to quit but life made me quit leaving all the passion
for teaching behind. At first I can’t reconcile God’s reasons for letting me do
something and forego of what I really like. I can’t imagine how I managed to
cross that part of my life, leaving behind the life that I want.

Now I am in crossroads again. I can grab a chance to go back
to this life that I’ve missed. Now I get to understand God. He wanted me to
stand firm on what I really wanted to do. Wherever place I’ll go, I’ll choose
that path I chose before. I opt to remain a teacher, to share life with people
who have the same thirsty spirit as I am. God in His own mysterious ways wanted
me to realize the thing that I really want; giving me a clear and definite
direction on my way towards it.

Indeed, God owns the secret things in life and it’s up for
Him to reveal them in His desired time. Praise God for making me see this in
the bleak point of my life. We may not understand Him at some point, we may get
annoyed in His process of teaching us but He will definitely deliver us and
teach us upon His sovereign design.

Growing up in our neighborhood was
never easy for me. I grew up in a community where most of our neighbors are
going abroad to find for greener pastures. Luckily they did; they stumbled upon
places of milk and honey.

Materially, their families were
able to achieve what they want. Envy of this condition and desperate to provide
us with a better life, my mother tried moving her way as well. My father
inclined to follow his ideals never approved of that. At that age, I was
confused my mother was I think overly submissive to our father missing the
opportunity to follow her wants and desires, especially for her.
Consequentially, my mother and father have to remain sellers all their life
while our neighbors are enjoying life here and abroad, materially.

As the years are passing, the
leaves falling from the branches that keep them, slowly our shy community
started to expand. I observed house renovations here and there. I could see our
neighbors acquiring assets, one thing we were greatly deprived of. I still
remember we had a television because my aunt gave us one and that was in 2004,
if my memory serves me right.

Because of our economic condition,
we were expected to join our parents in the market selling their stuffs. Thus,
we lived a secluded life. I, being the eldest and a female, was never given the
freedom to spend ample time with my friends and visit the places in our small
town.

Now, time has allowed me to process
everything. The more than two concluded decades of my life made me realize the
privilege we had, as a family. Today, an intact family is offered elusively;
one thing we enjoyed. You may be together physically but you priorities in life
differ. Or it may happen the other way around. This age showed me that living
together in one family may last for only less than a decade because young
families starts to break away due to economic demands. Thank God we made more
than that.

Fathers or mothers going into far
places to earn a living, and wanting to provide
for their families needs because they are afraid that the society’s expectation
will not be met. The Philippine’s dependence to OFW’s escalates yearly because
the country cannot provide enough jobs for them.

The results of this search for
green pasture are broken homes and broken lives in the neighborhood. Parents,
who took the risk, leaving their kids behind, are trustful of their other half
to take over all the responsibilities in the household more importantly tending
their children. Unknowingly, when they get back they will be surprised with
unwanted pregnancies, drug addicted children, out-of-school youth, unfaithful
wife/husband, ailing house; and the worst no savings at all.

Building a family structured in a
home will never be an easy task. However, repairing a broken family or broken
life is a lot hard work than anything else, especially if you don’t know them
anymore. Earning a lot in a faraway land may merit you the opportunity to aid a
temporal hunger but the loss earned from leaving may mean a long enduring pain.

Teacher Val is a member of our gang. Yes we have a gang but
only Mariel knows about it. We meet on Wednesdays in the Evangelista’s mansion.
If the gang’s leader is not around which happened to be Manang Precy, we meet
elsewhere, in PMA, the other mansion, the joint Paloma-Viaje’s Mansion or else
the mansioner/orphanage in Loakan, the Luga’s mansion.

We also see each other on Sundays, to serve our Master and
Lover, Jesus Christ. We also meet on Mondays to learn from our co-servant in
the Lord, Pastor Erwin and Tita Amy.

I met Val in her peak. She was a positive, learning,
maturing, rationalizing and happy-to-be-with gang-mate. Really there are times
I get tired of simply listening to her because she everything to say on things
and she never gets tired…of talking. I love to tease her though because she
knows how to get on with every throw.

Before 2007, ends I went suddenly alienated from Val, I kept
it to myself not knowing that I am not alone. The gang is beginning to “gang
up” on her, because we “don’t know her anymore.

As gang mates we desire to know whatever she is going
through. She had counseling sessions around. I myself even poured out my heart
on her because I can’t accept the feeling of not telling her what I actually feel.

We prayed for her at the same time we devoted much time
discussing on her condition. Until such time we all got tired and ceased
talking/minding about her.

Simultaneously, Val retired from her usual “she”. The merry
and talkative Val was missed by everyone. For some time we had a Val who is
defensive, moving away and living in silence.

March 23, 2007 I had the chance to be with my gang mate
again after two long months of not fellowshipping together. At first, I was
hesitant to ask her of anything; honestly I reached the point of becoming
uncomfortable whenever I am with her. But, thank God for opening my mouth and
letting me speak and listen to her once again. What a wonderful and glorious
time it is. i saw that Val that I used to know. The vigor went back; the merry,
talkative Val was back. She shared her lessons from the Lord; she narrated how
much she struggled during those times that she doesn’t understand what she was
going through.

Indeed, there are times that we long to understand people not
knowing that these people we want to understand are also themselves don’t
understand what they are going through. God really has His way of forcing us to
focus upon Him. He will detach us to the point of shoving us away from our
earthly treasures simply to put us back in His arms again making us know that
He alone is the source of our joy.

In this age, where education and knowledge are both most
held God in His mercy and grace puts His hedge of protection upon us not to be
swayed from earthly materialism. Instead He will put us into a vacuum where in
the final sense we will never doubt His authenticity in our lives. Indeed we
can never understand all these things. It is only our sinful nature supported
by evil’s doings that blinds us to keep on explaining the unexplained.

The experience of Teacher Val made a warning sign on my
part. I don’t need to understand and explain things. I should let God open my
mind and heart to understand His works upon all things putting forward in
reverence His sovereignty over all things.

Praise God, I had the honor to be the first to embrace Val
on her birthday. Also I had the honor to ask forgiveness to her for I have
uttered words during her times of trial instead of asking God to open my heart
and mind in understanding her.

it’s past five in the morning i am supposed to be reading the bible or the book for my paper, by now. i just said goodbye to my friend. but i can’t let go of the feeling about what i saw few minutes ago. if i won’t write about it, it will surely haunt me.

i am a bit visual person, thus pictures play an important role in my life plus i am both conservative  and liberal which gives it a little twist on it.

i am browsing through friendster, wishing to augment the number of my contacts in my friends list. for those who do know me knows the people that are within my sphere or at least have the idea of the people who will most likely fall within my sphere.

pornography is offensive to me, it violates morality, personality, and other sensitive aspects that can be violated. putting it in your personal file  which can be accessed by public may characterize you as an individual.

sad to say, one of the people that is within my sphere did this. i am close to tears went i saw this and my mind suddenly went blank. first, i never expected this. second, i begin to doubt my knowledge of this person. third, we have so much chance to see each other and i am afraid on how will i conduct myself if ever i will meet this person ever again.

apart from i saw other issues related to what i saw which i cannot divulge. i know things like this are uncontrollable, it was just so painful for me. maybe because i know this person. maybe because this person is not just an acquiantance. maybe because i love God so much, thus i have to love this person this person the way God loved me.

the best thing about this experience, i am humbled by God. if i never encountered God i might be like this person as well or worst. indeed clinging to God is the only way out. i am not talking about self-righteousnes here, but on the vulnerability of man to sin because of its sinful nature. just like this person that i am sharing, we can be like this person; we can do the same that he did. we can and why not? but then again God’s grace is sufficient enough to reach us.

PRAISE GOD.

madalang lang kung isiwalat ko sa mga ganitong paraan ang laman ng isipan. journal lang madalas ang katapat ng bawat likha ng kaisipan. para sa akin kasi kapag naisusulat ko ang bawat salitang nililikha ng isipan tila tapos ng ang istorya na  bumabalot sa misteryosong bahaging ito ng buhay. kapag humahabi kasi ang pluma ng mga salita parang napag-iisipang mabuti na ang sitwasyon ay hindi naman talaga dapat pag-ubusan ng panahon. dapat ang sitwasyon dumaan lang nang may kapayapaan, para ang dadaanan ay makakaranas din ng kapayapaan. ang bawat sitwasyon ay may katapat na reaksyon mula sa dinadaanan nito.

parang ganito, sa katunayan ngayon ko lang naiisip ang lahat ng ito. ngayon lang nabibigyan ng pagkakataon ang sarili ko na lumaya mula sa mga agam agam na hindi ko dapat pinagsasayangan ng oras dahil may mas makabuluhuhang bagay na dapat gumamit ng aking oras. pero bago ang lahat may isusulat pa siguro ako. upang tuluyang lumaya ang bawat ideya at maibsan ang paninikil nito sa aking kaisipan.

maaga akong pumasok ngayon, sa katunayan pinakauna akong dumating dito sa bahaging ito ng Pilipinas. pero sa hindi ko maipaliwanag na dahilan parang wala ako dito. sa totoo lang. disturb marahil iyon ang eksaktong salita na maglalarawan ng nangyayari sa akin ngayon.

hindi ko maintindihan kung maglalakad ako, magpapahangin (kahit walang hangin), uupo, search internet, basta hindi ako mapakali. actually pwede namang mag-aral na lang sana ako di ba? sinubukan ko naman kaya lang nakakaisip pa rin ako ng kung anu-ano.

disturb talaga ako sa mga nangyayari lately. makati stand off, pagtaas ng langis, biyahe ni Gloria sa Europa, mukha bang hindi totoo? heto kya, mga nababasa ko sa blogs ng kung sinu-sino, mga nakakasama kong tao, mga nakapaligid sa akin, future plans, new year, incoming trips, report mamya, paper sa saturday, at kung anu-ano pang laman ng sked.

disturb nga marahil siguro ako, lalo ng kapag may mga bagay na alam kong hindi ko kayang kontrolin, i am not claiming sovereignty over things pero yung tipong kahit anung gawin mo ganun na talaga pero sad to say maapektuhan ka ng sobra.

alam ko naman kung anung resolution neto kaya lang it will take a while bago ko ma-experience ang resolution. at least nasulat ko sya, at least naisip ko na dadaanan talaga sya. kapag matapos ang bawat sandali, matatapos din ang bawat agam-agam, maglalaho din ang mga hungkag na pakiramdam. sa pakiwari parang wala lang.

they say silence is healthy. yes, i agree. but silence can also be very destructive. it may kill. it may lead you to insanity.

silence gives you the luxury to think. silence gives you the opportunity to travel. silence is precious in this wonderful world.

but silence may kill.

GRADES….

pinakaaasam ng bawat bata…

apat na beses sa isang taon kailangang magbigay ng markahang pagsusulit ang bawat elementary at high school teacher…

apat na beses sa isang taon kailangang mag-compute ng grade ng mga elementary at high school teachers…

kakatapos ko lang gawin iyon…

in fairness sa akin tumaas naman ang passing rate ko compared last year…

siguro dahil…

ewan ko din…

mahirap talagang mag-compute ng grades…

ito ang pinakaayaw ko na trabaho ng isang guro…

kapag minsan parang ayaw mo na ngang mag-compute bigay na lang ng bigay…

hay…

sa pangalawang pagkakataon binigyan ko ng puwang ang maging isang guro…ang maging guro sa mga kanayunan…sadya nga sigurong may galak kapag guro kaya ko ito ginawa…

narito ako ngayon sa cabiten mankayan para sa mga hindi nakakaalam…dalawampung araw na akong namamalagi sa lugar na ito…napakaganda dito…kasing ganda ng dating lugar na pinanggalingan ko sa besao, mountain province…

sa lugar na ito abot mo na ang mga ulap, tila ba kaysarap mangarap…napakaganda ng mga kabundukan…astig maging post card…

tungkol naman sa aking pagtuturo, katulad nung una may kahirapan kasi kailangan mong sumabay sa kung ano ang kaya ng mga bata tapos mula doon subukan mo silang itaas para madagdagan ang kanilang kakayahan…

masarap kasama ang mga bata dito mababaw lang ang kasiyahan nila. kaya mahahawa ka, kasi nga naman kahit simpleng pamumuhuhay lang pwede ka naman talagang maging masaya.

ang tirahan namin ay medyo may kalayuan sa paaralan kaya kailangang lakarin. kahit na labing limang minuto lamang iyon parang ang layo kasi puro pataas pero solb naman ang view…pagdating mo sa taas sasalubungin kang mga ulap o di ba bongga!

kapag sobrang tuliro ka na sa kakaisip ng kung anu-anong mga bagay tanaw ka lang sa labas hay panoramic…basta indescribable…

marami akong tinuturuan na talagang hirap pero i keep on telling them na subukan muna nila before concluding…challenge din as well ito sa part ko bilang isang tao…i really thank the Lord for the wisdom na binibigay niya sa akin in dealing with my students. lagi ko ngang naiisip siguro if i am not a Christian i will never do the things that i’m doing right now…

basta makita ko lang yung mga bata na magpursige para napakamotivating nun sa akin to press on..iniisip ko palagi, kung hindi ko ito gagawin who will, kung eron man kailan pa?kaya yun…

one more thing we have to redeem ang image ng UP sa mga kanayunan. napakasama ng impresyon nila, sana alam niyo kung ano gusto kong tukuyin…basta…parang kasalanan nga ang maging UPan e..nakakagulat panis na panis pala ang UP sa mga ganitong uri ng lugar.

maraming dapat gawin sana in my own little way may magawa ako to make a difference…sana kahit papaano magkaroon ng magandang kahihinatnan ang lahat ng ito.

ilang buwan bago ako lumabas sa "premier university" ng Pilipinas napapadalas ang tanong ko sa sarili ko kung ano ang gagawin ko pagkatapos.litung lito ako sa pagplano sa susunod na kabanata ng aking buhay.isa siyang "dilemma" na alam kong dinaanan ng bawat nilalang na taun-taong ipinapanganak ng unibersidad.

pinalad akong makapag-aral sa diliman, kolehiyo ng edukasyon. habang ang mga batchmates ko ay nagpapakalunod sa bakasyon at abala sa paghahanap ng trabaho, ako nag-aaral na naman. marami akong natutunan sa loob ng dalawang buwan, at naniwala ako na handa na ako sa mga susunod na mangyayari sa aking buhay.

mahal ko ang Pilipinas yan ang pinaniwalaan ko sa mahabang panahon na mula ngayon.isang pagsintang matagal na nakulong sa aking puso.at ngayon ang panahong itinakda upang pakawalan ang masidhing pagmamahal para sa inang bayang.

kagabi(29 oktubre 2005), nagdasal kami, pagkatapos inawit namin ang "UP naming mahal". lalo siyang gumanda sa pandinig ko.lalong tumamis ang mensaheng hatid nito sa aking puso.

kapwa iskolar ng bayan, tama mga iskolar tayo ng bayan.habang tumatagal tayo sa unibersidad lumalaki ang gastos ng gobyerno sa atin, kaya lalong lumalaki ang dahilan upang tanungin kung UPan asan ka na nga ba?asan ka na matapos kang gastusan ng Pilipinas kong mahal…

hindi kailangang iwan ang ginagawa ngayon at gumawa ng kung anu-ano.ang mabuhay ayon  sa simulain ng UP ay sapat nang sukli sa mga sakripisyo ng bawat mamamayang isininop ang 25% ng kanilang kita upang may maibahagi sa bawat isa sa atin taun-taon.ang maging tapat sa lahat ng oras, pagbabayad ng buwis, pagsisilbi ayon sa abot kaya natin…ilan lamang ang mga ito sa mga maaari nating magawa.

marahil tulad ko pagod ka na rin sa mga kabulukang nangyayari sa paligid.kaya dapat sa atin magsimula ang pagbabago. mapagod din sana tayo sa ugaling antayan.antayan kung sino ang mauunang magbago…nakakapagod na rin kaya dapat putulin na ang cycle…ngayon…

uulitin ko, UPan asan ka na?